Original
Text
PRINTED
ARTICLES AND ADVERTISEMENTS
(spelling and punctuation modified by publisher, The
Impartial Herald)
NOW
WONDER
T.
Dexter says four things --- Wants good judgment to live in
the world, in giving and lending, trusting and borrowing,
For I begin to see I have already given my wife that was,
and my son Samuel Dexter, and B****p more than ten thousand
dollars, in two years, and neither of them thank me. Now to
all men that owes me, be so kind to themselves and me, as
to pay me, in a short time, or else call and pay squire Bradbury’s
son the lawyer in Newburyport, without futher trouble and
cost.
TIMOTHY
DEXTER
Messrs.
Blunt and March --- I say to whom it may concern --- to the
majesty of the people of Newburyport, Greeting ---
It
costs eight hundred dollars a year to support a watch in this
town, and yet gentlemen’s windows are broken, fences pulled
down and Cellars broken open, and much other misdemeanors
done at night. Are the watch asleep, or are they afraid to
detect those who are guilty of such practices? Boast not of
it, if you call this Liberty and Equality. Newburyport has
had the name of being a very civil worthy place; it is a great
pity some bad boys or young men should disgrace it. I hope
our worthy and honorable rulers will bring those rude lads
to see themselves, and lick the dust like serpents, and ask
forgiveness of their betters, and do so no more, but repent
and live.
Now
fellow citizens is it wisdom, is it policy, to use a man or
men so shocking bad as to oblige them to leave the town where
they paid one Dollar a day to support government?
A
friend to good order, honor to whom it belongs, to great men
a friend --- to all good citizens and honest men good bye.
WHEREAS
many philosopher has judged or guessed at many things about
the world, and so on Now I suppose I may guess as it is guessing
times. I guess the world is one very large living creature,
and always was and always will be without any end from everlasting
to everlasting, and no end. What grows on this large creature
is trees and many other things. In the room of hair the rocks
is moulds. This is called land where the hair grows, the belly
the sea --- all kinds of fish is the worms in the belly. This
large body wants dressing to get our living of this creature
and by industry we get a living --- We and all the animal
creation is less than fleas in comparison on the back or belly
of this very large immense body.23
Among the hairs to work on this great body
is that of Nature, past finding out. All we know is we are
here, we come into the world crying and gone out groaning.
Mankind is the master beast on the earth --- in the sea, the
whale is the head fish24
--- the great fish eat up the little ones, and so men not
only destroy one another, but they are master over the whole
of beasts and fish, even over a lion, therefore man is the
masterly beast, and the worst of the whole --- they know the
most and act the worst according to what they know. Seeing
mankind so bad by nature, I think when the candle goes out,
men and women is done, they will lay as dirt or rocks till
the great gun fires, and when that goes off the gun will be
so large that the gun will contain nine hundred million tons
of the best of good powder, then that will shake and bring
all the bones together, then the world will be to an end.
All kind of music will be going on, funding systems will be
laid aside, the melody will be very great. Now who can’t you
all believe the above written as well as many other things
to be true, as well as what was set forth in the last Centinel
concerning digging up a frog twenty feet below the surface,
where it was most as hard as a rock --- there was his shape
like taking a stone out of a rock. This is from a minister.
Now why wont you believe me as well.25
ADDENDA
The follering peases are not my Riting but very drole
TIMOTHY
DEXTER
Note to Dexter’s Second Edition:“fouder mister printer
the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no
stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as
they plese”
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The
following extracts containing important sidelights on Lord
Dexter’s domestic difficulties and showing some of the very
finest of his poetic aspirations are contained in a “revised
edition” of A PICKLE FOR THE KNOWING ONES published in Newburyport
by Enoch Hale, Jr. in 1847. These particular chapters are
absent form the other edition, which possibly indicates that
other works of Dexter’s were extant at that time. The spelling
has not been altered but the editor added punctuation in such
a way that the most puzzling passages suddenly blossom into
sense. The extracts from “A Pickle” which have appeared in
our narration of his lordship’s life were taken largely from
this useful little volume.
Lord Dexter’s Domestic Afflictions.
My
frinds & felow mortals, there is A first Cose of all things,
most Comonly; so it Came to pass that one Abraham bishup got
A quanted with my Dafter --- she A babey, he Old in Eage and
larning, and Colage lant & lawyer lant and preast lant
and masonik lant and Divel lant; he was then nothing as for
Cash; he being A fox, and A old fox, he was After the graps;
he tasted of them he Cryed out, sower, this Annemel sent my
Dafter home, he sade A b did Not git all the Lovs & little
fishes, but got A part --- and now 9 years I have Now had
my Dafter Crasy, in & by the Cost of this wild A b; hell
on Earth; o, o, pity me, All good felow mortels; sade Creater,
A b, mad with larning, & as pour as A snake, and as proud
as Lousefer, he sade his father was worth twenty thousand
Dolars, & he was Not more than five thosand Dolors; he
sent for bisup bass to be married before publessed, &
Insisted to be maried; he says Dexter may Crye them Down in
the lore Reagon. After some time thay got published; then
he in sisted not to have Any witness; went and hid, finly
my gost, my wife, that was the gost; 3 years last march; thay
whare maried; I was maried to the gost thirtey five last may;
I have bin in hell all the time --- more so sence Abraham
bishup got in to my house; he hurt me and family one tun of
silver;26
it was the Cose of my parting with mis Dexter. Now I am free;
Now for A wife that has A sole --- the gost was A gisard &
A Cose all Round her. A b striking my Dafter on hur side,
as shee swares to grat lawyer Dexter and many others, I be
leave it that knows the trouth; the bloue he gave hur on the
side, she had to put plasters on hur side Neare three years;
when likker is in, the wit is scattered. A b is the beast
or Creater two leged, Conekett boull --- short Neck, boull
head, thik hare, big sholders, black Corlley hare, he wants
to be A god, but what I sot sade Creater Down at short A quatence,
I can prove it my selfe by men of the sekent magnetoude; my
gesing of the Creater is turned out Acording to my gessing
--- and when I see my father, the grat good man, father Thomas
geffison, I will Let the Cat out of the bag, and give lite
to the blind. sade A b will Doue for sum offess --- Evereye
Annemel will Doue for sumthing; A b will make a midling good
Camp Collemon, A thing hier; if I am a Roug in grane, so be
it; A Lepard Cant Altur hur spots, Nor beaver wont groue on
a hoggs back. I be Leave if my father, the presedente knowe
the holl trouth of A bs treatment to my Dafter, from her mouth,
the grat man would shed tears with greafe, and all good peopel
Like wise; shoking is the A fare.27
Forbid by the Ghost of his Wife to become a Mason; Makes a
contract with the Ghost to quit his estate.
TO MANKIND AT LARGE: I Never had the honor to be Long to that
onerable mesonek Order. I Noked once, twise, three times,
& the gohst Apeared, sade, ‘thou shalt not enter,’ be
Cose I have toue much noledge in my head; I sopose had I bin
one then should bin to keep open Dors for thivs & Robers;
I have Rougs plentey without keeping taven; I Dont want Noe
Abrahams, Nor Aney of the order; only fict Ladeys mared, and
grat gintel men that belongs out of the town: mared people
and fine widders I wish to see, with pleasur, for I wants
to marey a fine wider, for I hant had Noe wife for thirteene
years next orgest. I gave the gost fore hundred wate of silver
to quit the state; grat lawyer passons, the gient of the law,
Rote the Contract; the Cose of it was, that mis Dexter, that
was, would have my Dafter marey to A bishup --- Cosed the
agrement --- the sole Cose, she has two trousteays, which
have the money, to deal out the intress, and she is so ginress
shee bys hur Neadls; I bys the pins & sifers28
& all things Else; shee leaves the intress in the hands
of the trosteys, I must have a Companon four good by all,
at present with glorey.
To save his Life from the Attacks of the Ghost, offers to
sell House, Lands, and Equipage.
NOW TO ALL ONNEST MEN, to pittey me that I have bin in hell
35 years, in this world, with the gost --- A woman I maried,
and have two Children, Now Liveing; Abram bishup maried my
Dafter --- sence, the troubel is such that words Cant be Expresed;
Nine years disordered for a tun of silver for three months;
I could Not have the gost in my palles; sleep Not to be had;
now to save my Life I will sell --- if Not, I will let the
house; it is as Noted as any hous in the oile shouls, and
fourder, in the world, or sence Noers Arke & sence the
floud; taking in my self, finly, such a plas No whare in the
world; all goes with it --- hoses, carages, all but plate
and gouels, and Reserve the holey bybel and one bouck more.
my old head has wore out three boddeys; it would take a jourey
of Doctors one our to find and Count the scars on my head,
given by the gost & others. A men.
Clean trouth.
T.
DEXTER.
Joune
12, 1805.
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Translated
Text
PRINTED
ARTICLES AND ADVERTISEMENTS
(spelling and punctuation modified by publisher, The
Impartial Herald)
NOW
WONDER
T.
Dexter says four things --- Wants good judgment to live in
the world, in giving and lending, trusting and borrowing.
For I begin to see I have already given my wife that was and
my son Samuel Dexter and B****p (Bishop) more than ten thousand
dollars, in two years, and neither of them thank me. Now to
all men that owes me, be so kind to themselves and me, as
to pay me, in a short time, or else call and pay squire Bradbury’s
son the lawyer in Newburyport, without further trouble and
cost.
TIMOTHY
DEXTER
Messrs.
Blunt and March --- I say to whom it may concern --- to the
majesty of the people of Newburyport, Greeting ---
It
costs eight hundred dollars a year to support a watch in this
town, and yet gentlemen’s windows are broken, fences pulled
down and cellars broken open, and much other misdemeanors
done at night. Are the watch asleep, or are they afraid to
detect those who are guilty of such practices? Boast not of
it, if you call this Liberty and Equality. Newburyport has
had the name of being a very civil worthy place; it is a great
pity some bad boys or young men should disgrace it. I hope
our worthy and honorable rulers will bring those rude lads
to see themselves, and lick the dust like serpents, and ask
forgiveness of their betters, and do so no more, but repent
and live.
Now
fellow citizens is it wisdom, is it policy, to use a man or
men so shockingly bad as to oblige them to leave the town
where they paid one dollar a day to support government?
A
friend to good order, honor to whom it belongs, to great men
a friend --- to all good citizens and honest men good bye.
WHEREAS
many philosopher has judged or guessed at many things about
the world, and so on Now I suppose I may guess as it is guessing
times. I guess the world is one very large living creature,
and always was and always will be without any end from everlasting
to everlasting, and no end. What grows on this large creature
is trees and many other things. In the room of hair the rocks
is molds. This is called land where the hair grows, the belly
the sea --- all kinds of fish is the worms in the belly. This
large body wants dressing to get our living of this creature
and by industry we get a living --- We and all the animal
creation are less than fleas in comparison on the back or
belly of this very large immense body.23
Among the hairs to work on this great body is that of Nature,
past finding out. All we know is we are here, we come into
the world crying and gone out groaning. Mankind is the master
beast on the earth --- in the sea, the whale is the head fish24---
the great fish eat up the little ones, and so men not only
destroy one another, but they are master over the whole of
beasts and fish, even over a lion, therefore man is the masterly
beast, and the worst of the whole --- They know the most and
act the worst according to what they know. Seeing mankind
so bad by nature, I think when the candle goes out, men and
women is done, they will lay as dirt or rocks till the great
gun fires, and when that goes off the gun will be so large
that the gun will contain nine hundred million tons of the
best of good powder, then that will shake and bring all the
bones together, then the world will be to an end. All kind
of music will be going on, funding systems will be laid aside,
the melody will be very great. Now who can’t you all believe
the above written as well as many other things to be true,
as well as what was set forth in the last Centinel concerning
digging up a frog twenty feet below the surface, where it
was most as hard as a rock --- there was his shape like taking
a stone out of a rock. This is from a minister.
Now why won't you believe me, as well?25
ADDENDA
The following pieces are not my writing but very droll:
TIMOTHY
DEXTER
Note to Dexter’s Second Edition:“Further, Mr. Printer,
the Knowing Ones complain of my book the first edition had
no stops. I put in enough here and they may pepper and salt
it as they please.”
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The
following extracts containing important sidelights on Lord
Dexter’s domestic difficulties and showing some of the very
finest of his poetic aspirations are contained in a “revised
edition” of A PICKLE FOR THE KNOWING ONES published in Newburyport
by Enoch Hale, Jr. in 1847. These particular chapters are
absent form the other edition, which possibly indicates that
other works of Dexter’s were extant at that time. The spelling
has not been altered but the editor added punctuation in such
a way that the most puzzling passages suddenly blossom into
sense. The extracts from “A Pickle” which have appeared in
our narration of his lordship’s life were taken largely from
this useful little volume.
Lord Dexter’s Domestic Afflictions.
My
friends & fellow mortals, there is a first cause of all
things, most commonly; so it came to pass that one Abraham
Bishop got acquainted with my daughter --- she a baby, he
old in age and learning, and college learnt & lawyer learnt
and priest learnt and Masonic learnt and Devil learnt; he
was then nothing as for cash; he being a fox, and an old fox,
he was after the grapes; he tasted of them he cried out: Sour!
This animal sent my daughter home, he said, A. B. did not
get all the loaves & little fishes, but got a part ---
and now 9 years I have now had my daughter crazy, in &
by the cost of this wild A. B. Hell on Earth; O, O, pity me,
all good fellow mortals; Said creature, A. B., mad with learning,
& as poor as a snake, and as proud as Lucifer, he said
his father was worth twenty thousand dollars & he was
not more than five thousand dollars. He sent for Bishop Bass
to be married before (bands were) published & insisted
to be married. He says Dexter may cry them (the bands) down
in the lower region. After some time they got published;
then he insisted not to have any witness; went and hid. Finally
my ghost, my wife, that was the ghost; 3 years last March
they were married. I was married to the ghost thirty five
(years) last May; I have been in hell all the time --- more
so since Abraham Bishop got into my house. He hurt me and
family one ton of silver.26
It was the cause of my parting with Mrs. Dexter. Now I am
free. Now for a wife that has a soul --- the ghost was a gizzard
& a cause all around her. A.B. striking my daughter on
her side, as she swears to a great lawyer, Dexter and many
others. I believe it, that knows the truth. The blow he gave
her on the side, she had to put plasters on her side for nearly
three years. When liquor is in, the wit is scattered. A. B.
is the beast or creature two-legged, Connecticut bull ---
short neck, bull head, thick hair, big shoulders, black curly
hair. He wants to be a god, but what I sought set that creature
down at short acquaintance. I can prove it myself by men of
the second magnitude. My guessing of the creature is (that
he) turned out according to my guessing --- and when I see
my father, the great good man, father Thomas Jefferson, I
will let the cat out of the bag, and give light to the blind.
Said A. B. will do for some office --- Every animal will do
for something; A. B. will make a middling good camp column.
A thing higher, if I am a rouge ingrate, so be it. A leopard
can't alter her spots, nor beaver won't grow on a hog's back.
I believe if my father, the president knew the whole truth
of A. B.'s treatment of my daughter, from her mouth, the great
man would shed tears with grief, and all good people likewise,
shocking is the affair.27
Forbid
by the Ghost of his Wife to become a Mason; Makes a contract
with the Ghost to quit his estate.
TO MANKIND AT LARGE: I Never had the honor to belong to that
honorable Masonic Order. I knocked once, twice, three times
& the ghost appeared (and) said "thou shalt not enter"
because I have too much knowledge in my head. I suppose had
I been one then (it) should (have) been to keep open doors
for thieves & robbers. I have rouges plenty without keeping
a tavern. I don't want any "Abrahams" nor any of
the Order; only fit married ladies and great gentlemen that
belongs out of the town: married people and fine widows I
wish to see, with pleasure, for I want to marry a fine widow,
for I haven't had any wife for thirteen years next August.
I gave the ghost four hundred weight of silver to quit the
state; great lawyer (Theophilus) Parsons, the giant of the
law, wrote the contract. The cause of it was that Mrs. Dexter,
that was, would have my daughter married to A. Bishop ---
caused the agreement --- the sole cause. She has two trustees,
which have the money, to deal out the interest, and she is
so generous she buys her needles; I buy the pins & sifers
(zephyrs?)28
& all things else. She leaves the interest in the hands
of the trustees. I must have a companion for good by all,
at present with glory.
To save his Life from the Attacks of the Ghost, offers
to sell House, Lands, and Equipage.
NOW TO ALL HONEST MEN, to pity me that I have been in hell
35 years, in this world, with the ghost --- A woman I married,
and have two children, now living. Abraham Bishop married
my daughter --- since, the trouble is such that words can't
expressed it. Nine years disordered for a ton of silver for
three months. I could not have the ghost in my palace; sleep
not to be had. Now to save my life, I will sell --- if not,
I will let the house. It is as noted as any house in the Isles
of Shoals and further, in the world, or since Noah's Ark &
since the flood. Taking in myself, finally, such a place no
where in the world. All goes with it --- houses, carriages,
all but the (silver)plate and jewels, and reserve the Holy
Bible and one buck more. My old head has worn out three bodies;
it would take a jury of doctors one hour to find and count
the scars on my head, given by the ghost & others. Amen.
Clean truth.
T.
DEXTER.
June
12, 1805.
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